Ah, tantrums! They are a developmental right of passage from when your child reaches around eighteen months old and can continue for years. Terrible twos, threenagers, ferocious fours and finally a reprieve with the fabulous fives before hitting the sassy sixes! It is exhausting, frustrating and mentally draining. Mix your child’s attitude, stubbornness, and general personality traits with your tiredness, overwhelm, impatience, hormones and adult responsibilities of managing life (places to be, things to do with a child in tow), and it can be a recipe for clashes, butting heads, lots of screaming (for both parent and child) and tears.
There are a few key things to understand if you are all going to survive with your sanity intact.
Why do children have tantrums?
The first thing to understand is that children don’t have tantrums to manipulate. It is purely an expression of communication, frustration and learning how to regulate their emotions. And it is ok for them to express this. The reason why this is important is that when you try and discipline a child for having a tantrum you are effectively telling them that they get punished for their emotions. It also teaches them that when someone is acting like this, the way to deal with it is by discipline in whatever form that may be (time in, time out, ignoring them, smacking them, shouting at them). As an adult, you wouldn’t discipline someone for feeling emotionally overwhelmed, crying or shouting, you would support them to calm down and then try to deal with the situation that is causing the problem wouldn’t you? (unless of course violence was involved then it would be a whole other issue). Children are simply trying to figure out their emotions and frustrations. For parents managing it, rationale doesn’t apply so it is your job to support them through it until they are old enough to regulate it themselves.
If the tantrum is BECAUSE you have disciplined them for a negative behaviour then accepting that they will feel frustrated by the situation will help you to deal with it. Keep reading for how to deal with it effectively!
Don’t try to stop the big feelings!
As a parent, we naturally want to make everything right and soothe away any upset for our children. It is instinctive in mothers particularly. However, we actually don’t need to do this when our child is feeling emotionally overwhelmed, in fact, it is good for our children to feel free to express their emotions.
Someone gave me the analogue recently of a child’s tantrum being like a train going through a tunnel. That once the train enters the tunnel there is no stopping it until it emerges out the other side. A child having a tantrum is on the same trajectory. Once it starts no amount of consoling will help because they have to work through their emotions (if you can get in before it hits the tunnel entrance then great but otherwise you need to let them ride it out). This is not a bad thing. All you need to do is let them know they are safe and you are there for them however they need you to be. For example, my 5-year-old when she is feeling overwhelmed and tantruming needs me to sit close and offer a hug (we have quite got to the fabulous five stage yet!!). Whereas my 4-year-old needs the opposite, she doesn’t want to be touched, she needs to be left until she is ready and have a hug on her own terms once she has worked through everything. Neither one is right or wrong, it is about figuring out what works for your child and being consistent with that. Once they have calmed down again then we have a discussion about the situation, why they feel so frustrated etc. You can not reason with a child when they are overwhelmed. Their brains are too flooded with cortisol, the stress hormone, to actually hear anything you are saying plus they can’t apply logic and reasoning at this age. Supportive measures until your child has calmed down.
If you are in a public place then it can be trickier to manage tantrums. So planning is important. Avoid mealtimes or take snacks to stave off hunger and then the inevitable hangry situation that follows, avoid nap times as tiredness will lead to an increase in overwhelm. If and when a tantrum happens, don’t feel embarrassed or like everyone is judging you for being a bad parent. More likely, fellow parents will be feeling your pain and others glad they don’t have to calm a tantruming child. If possible move to a quiet space and allow your child to work through it. What is the worst that will happen? If you get stressed by it then your child will feel that and will take longer to come out of the proverbial tunnel.
What can you do to manage tantrums and not lose your sanity?
- Acceptance – know that it is ok for your child to feel like this and it is not your role to stop the big feelings.
- Set boundaries – boundaries make children feel safe. Use timers, charts and daily routines to support boundaries and ensure when you are using the word ‘no’ you are firm it means ‘no’. (If you need help with this take a look at my blog on why it is important your ‘No’ means ‘No’).
- Be consistent – this is truly the key! Setting your boundaries and being consistent. Doing the same thing, in the same way, each and every time. If your child starts having a tantrum, dealing with it in the same way each and every time makes your child feel safe. This ultimately means they can begin to regulate their emotions quicker because they feel safer (the brain feels safe, stress hormones reduce and harmony is restored).
- Don’t try to reason or negotiate to avoid a tantrum. Make sure if you say no you mean no. It doesn’t mean no, maybe, no, possibly, no but yes, it means no.
- Don’t apply logic or rational thoughts to a child’s way of thinking. They are too young to be rational (remember that meme, how to f*** up a child’s day by giving them the wrong coloured cup, yep that’s what I’m talking about).
- Know that it shall pass. The great thing about children is they live in the moment. They can go from a screaming, tantruming mess on the floor to the most adorable, loving and huggy child in under 10 minutes. They bounce back and don’t dwell on situations like adults. It is one of the reasons why I have always loved working with young children.
- Take time out or tag your partner/friend to support you. Dealing with your child’s big emotions can be mentally draining for you so make sure you get some time out as well. Self-care sessions, a quick cuppa in peace, whatever it takes to keep your sanity!
- Know that it is absolutely no reflection on you as a parent. Tantrums are a developmental stage that every child goes through. Even the most placid and laid-back child will go through a stage of working out their emotional regulation strategies. The key is being consistent with your handling of it and supporting them through it.
Tantrums are nothing to be feared. Yes really. It is actually a good thing! It means your child is communicating their feelings well and that they have a good attachment to you as a parent because they feel safe expressing themselves freely. I would be more worried about a child that doesn’t tantrum than one that does.
If you need support with managing your child’s tantrums or any other aspect of parenting contact me via my website www.katiewormald.com. I focus on helping you to be more consistent in your parenting approach so you can turn chaos into calm.
Disclaimer: If you are worried about your child’s tantrums at all, or they are inflicting harm on themselves or others then you will need to step in and remove them from the situation. Working through tantrums must be don’t in a safe place where both your child, you and other children won’t be hurt. If you are concerned at all please seek qualified help and assessment to check for any underlying issues that need support.
My advice is NOT intended to be a substitute for medical advice or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health practitioners regarding any matters that may require medical attention or diagnosis, and before following the advice and using the techniques discussed. Reliance on any information provided by Katie Wormald Parenting Support is solely at your own risk.